Denial

Perhaps the hardest thing for any health care provider to deal with is accepting health complications of himself or his family or any loved one for that matter. Denial depresses the heck out of ya and torments you psychologically and emotionally. Doctors are good at preaching and giving patients hopes whenever they get slammed with poor prognosis for whatever condition they have, yet when they themselves walk though the shoes of sickness, they lose hope in the world and hardly ever seen any light by the end of tunnel. I am not sure why though but it's true that they can't handle the distress and they suddenly lose control of the steering wheels. Irony of life!

Ramadan Welcome!

Today is first day of Ramadan. My excitment for this month is endless especially this year, actually this moment. I wanted to fly home yesterday since I was in a "effy" mood, and quite nostalgic to be with family but some unprofessional illerate spanish manager on duty didn't allow me to be on board because I had a doctor note with me stating stating that I was sick and needed to get where I wanted to get ASAP. There wasn't a medical emergency really. I just needed to be on the first flight leaving and the airlines wouldn't have allowed me to do so at the last minute unless I had some medical reason. When I got them the medical reason the big fat lie turned out to be a nightmare. I was almost treated like a criminal by the agent as if I had some disease of unknown reason and i was a threat to everybody. I have never cursed or used an F word in my entire life until yesterday. I just wanted to smack the hell out of her. I am like seriously your must be effing smoking weed if you think i am a threat. I am medical student and I know better. I was just too angry to deal with her ignorance. Sure the company is hearing from me when I get back

Free Time and My Tiny Mini Depression

Free time depresses the heck out of me because I don't know what to do with as I have never had this privilege of having free time in life. My routine has been the same for years and years...and it can't get any better...always running to my classes 5 min before the classes start with a cup of coffee or cup of fruits in my hand (I don't know why my husband insists about those fruits)! I started writing a collective book with two of my friends, and even though it was my idea, guess whose part is unfinished? MINE! My thoughts are all shattered, and if I were to make some efforts and pick them up...ahhhh it gets painful for me to organize them in my head as this one is getting bigger and bigger!

Free time depresses me big time, and I end up bothering my husband and depressing him as well. So today I took the pledge of studying 13 hrs straight with short breaks for lunch and prayer time! Let's fight this mini-depression! Freaking board exams are around the corner!

Afghanistan

So I watched a documentary about this young girl named Islam describing her miserable life with her abusive husband and how she was married to him at a very young age...basically she was sold to him. To put an end to her miserable life, Islam poured diesel fuel over her body. A very heartaching story. Although this happened long time ago, I just felt the need to write about it because for almost a year now I have been heavily exposed to the Afghani culture and Afghan people since my very close friend happened to be an Afghani...she is the star of my group. She did PA school before but decided to join medical school as soon as she graduated. Every time I study with her, she just fascinates me with her knowledge in medicine and criticial thinking of putting things together. I always try to imagine what if my friend was living back in Afghanistan under Taliban ruling, will she ever be given the privilege to be the smart person she is now. Will she even be studying medicine? What would her life be like? I just think it's quite sad that a lot of potentials gets wasted in war or has been wasted during war especially under Taliban ruling.

FB insanity!

So what is it with people and facebook these days? Some are reporting every its and bits of their life step by step as if the entire world cares about them. I had this friend and her husband update their page at least once a day, exchanging love messages, husband posting pictures of his wife every time she eats an icecream then weighs herself, or ends up going to the gym, and some other silly STUPID pics where he says " look at my beautiful wife" Ok !! we get it! your wife is cute and you look just like a giant old bald beast next to her. Good news, I don't have to read their comments because they blocked me after I said enough is enough and suggested that it'd be easier to videtape themselves instead so we can get a more detailed scoop:) Was I mean? Totally!!! was I rude? Definitely!!! Do I regret it?! HECK NO!!!

Now I have another interesting friend who was diagnosed with something in her brain (can't remember for my life because every time I talk to her she tells me some new diagnosis). So this friend every time she takes a shot, she reports how many she did take, and if she feels any pain afterwards, and all the drama with her medical status updates. She seems more of a histrionic type of personaly with some bipolar disorder.

I totally understand the need of sharing some info with friends, but there is only much you can share people!!!!

Dear Friend. Sorry I forgot You Are (or were) My Friend

I received an email from an old friend, apologizing for not being a great friend to me while I was always good to her...Apology was mainly because she forgot to congratulate me on my wedding. Jeez totally forgot she never congratulated me...heck I even forgot that she never responded to my wedding invitation. In my head, I just assumed she was somewhere in some part of the world and she couldn't squeeze me in her schedule. But then again, true friends are there for you to share the greatest moments of your life with you...and the bad ones. My friend was very sincere in her apology and she ended her email by expressing the need to stay in touch with me. Jeez once again, I just sent her an email checking up on her few months ago, but then I couldn't remember if she ever responded. How could I be so dumb?!
I felt crappy after I finished reading her email. Though she was sweet and sincere, and I hold nothing against her even though she couldn't make it to my wedding...it's just that I realized that I am so naive in my friendships...I give my 100 % to my friends and I get nothing in return..most cases. and the people I don't expect anything from them, they were always the ones to be there for me in time of need or even share the happiest moments of my life like graduation ceremonies,engagement, and wedding. I just realized I have bad luck in this field...some don't deserve my friendship at all.
My birthday was few months ago...and I got surprise birthday cakes from random people I didn't even expect them to know my birthday....but as far as the people that I thought were truly my friends, they were so busy with their lives to the point of forgetting to wish me just a fake happy birthday.
Before my birthday was a friend's birthday...I spent literally 3 weeks organizing it...well it was a suprise party and I made sure she gets pampered the WEEK of her birthday and not just the day of her birthday...this friend happened to move out of the area...and someone so naive like me would expect her to at least give me a phone call to wish me a happy birthday...but instead sent me FB message: happy birthday dear friend. I felt she wasn't sincere in her wishes...and I didn't expect her to spend a penny on me but I was just hoping she would show some sincerity especially that I spent GOOD MONEY on her birthday....

Moral of the story...choose your friends carefully.

Gotta Be Selfish

It's one of those days...didn't know what to do with my time the entire day! Been devouring chocolate like there is no tomorrow for the past days, waking up every morning with a bad stomachache promising myself it'd be the last day to put myself through this pain...yet I find myself doing it over and over again as if eating chocolate would eliminate all of my stress. This is really pathetic...I can't wait for the sun to rise to lock myself in the library and be selfish! Why do I need to care about the world?! right?! I shouldn't give a rabbit about who is alive and who is dying! God, how I feel stupid for caring so much for sacrificing my time, energy and feelings to lift them up when they are desperately in need for someone to listen to on the expense of priorities. Jeez I want to cry and kill someone now!

I had a meeting with the dean yesterday, and stupid me broke into tears as always. This god damn med school made me cry rivers! I feel like I am in the military and not med school... one valuable advice he gave me : " you know how the horse sees? He doesn't have peripheral vision, he can see straight only, and that's how you should start seeing things...straight and focused and forget about everything else. be selfish". No wonder I get effed all the time !

Boy boy, how I am emotionally drained! There is so much on my plate and so many expectations, and balancing between this career and personal life has been a challenge. I just want to be anti-social, and focus on my well being and carry a healthy lifestyle! Screw the rest of the world and F* what people would think of me...I was always perceived as arrogant anyway! it's not like going to change anything this time!

My Morocco--Are You Still Mine??

It just occured to me that my nostalgia is dying slowly either consciously or unconsciously. I could have made some efforts to go for a visit for a week but I chose not to for some reasons because nothing is the same, and everything is foreign to me in my native country. Somehow, I don't feel safe internally being there all alone...I feel something is missing in me. I am sure I won't survive too long on my own and I will end up booking myself a ticket to come back next day. I don't know if I changed over time or maybe Morocco has changed so much that I lost track of time from where I remember it and I just need to condition myself to get used to it. I know for sure it's an amazing feeling to smell the fresh air of Rabat. It just feels right to be there. It feels home. It brings back a lot of awesome memories. But unfortunately I can't link anything of those memories to my present...NADA...which is normal I guess because that's the course of life.

I just realized that my family is falsly attached to a culture they hardly live. So what is this lie about preserving our culture if we hardly go on visits to Morocco and 90 % of time we speak English instead of Darija excluding my cousins generation who speak it 100 % at all times (some pretend to not know it, others pretend to have hard time twisting their tongue, while other the most blunt one think of themselves as quite not cool to speak a foreign language of country where they were not born.)
How can we be lying to ourselves?! How how we stress out the necessity of having a Moroccan living room area in the house with all the Moroccan traditional decorations, and show off about our ethnic food to the Non-Moroccans, and brag about the beauty of the country, the hospitality of its people, etc., yet we hardly live the Moroccan life.

So what does it take to be a Moroccan? parents' origin? birth place? language speaker? Moroccan salon? collection of tagines in the house? authentic food with the nice aroma of safron and olive oil?

I don't know...I do know; however, something is missing. Just like I know it's a lie to say we are holding tight on our culture or traditions since we hardly speak the language and we pretty much don't have any Moroccan traditions we live by...oh yeah except for the couscous tradition. But wait a second! that's food!!! forgot to mention we cook other ethnic food more than Moroccan one!!! and we still consider ourselves Moroccans!

Where is The Right Person???

yep...right person...looking for the right person with the perfect match list.

He has to be Educated, rich, handsome, well-built, cute accent, caring, not stingy, good family background....

She has to be educated, gorgeous, nice body, nice accent, family orientated, good cook, ready to give up the world for me....

and of course the list never ends for both parts. How can you find him and how can you find her???? Well for those of you who have been looking so hard...those of you who are so stressed out that they will die single...and those of you who are literally desperate for just a glimce of light...an ounce of hope and love, I say don't lose faith.

and for those of you who lost hope, I say don't give up and never say never.

Live day by day, and trust me it will happen when you least expect it to happen.


I'm always picked on to talk about my personal life either at school or with friends, and I quite hate it sometimes. I have no magic in my hands to spare and no golden advices to give. I just happened to be a normal person, whose heart got broken, and instead of getting bandaided it went through a major reconstruction to freshen up and be ready to embrace a new life and beat again...so I am a survivor on so many levels. I thank God for everything.

I find it quite pathetic that people become so desperate to have someone in their lives. Just like I find it so foolish to have an annoying list to stick in front of your nose to guide through the crowd to find the right person. What happened to faith in God? What happended to mystery? What if you were to live your life normally and enjoy every tiny bit of it, and switch the negative energy to a more positive one...smile to life so it can smile back at you. Give yourself a chance to beathe!!!! and stop stressing about marriage! Stop stressing about deadlines to find her or find him, and give a chance to people you meet in your life. You never know where the wind will take. You might land where you never expected yourself to land.


I am quite overwhelmed with the negativity of some people around me and I am sick and tired of listening to their dull boring whinening about finding him and finding her..It's really getting out of control!! The most annoying part is when people literally allow themselves to express jealousy right on my face, or even criticize my life with my husband to make a point about how they want to have their lives to be as if I give a damn...

Cut the crap and live your life!

Leishmaniasis in Rachidya, Morocco

I was really stunned when I came across a video featuring the epidemic of Leishmaniasis in a small city called Rachidya in Morocco, and inability of affected people to get the right medications for it because there is no doctor in the area. It's quite shocking that the so called Health Ministry is not moving a finger to send appropriate health care providers to start treatment before it gets complicated. Mind you that Leishmaniasis is treatable in most cases except in HIV infected patients.

What really caught my attention about this video is how desperately those patients are using all sort of topical creams or natural ones hoping and praying that something will work somehow some day. How could we be living in 21st century and still be faced with this poor health service to society. This is outraging!

When The Dream is Over

So you grow up your entire life believing in a dream, and you get so closer to it, then all of the sudden it shatters right in front of your eyes. It gets stolen from you, and you can't do anything about it but leaving it away and turning your back to it. I saw her crying like a baby from the bottom of her heart for the first time, and it was weird to me because I am used to her big smile from ear to ear. She was broken to small pieces, devastated to an unimaginable point and wanted to vanish from the surface of earth. I spared her few advices and I continuously questioned myself whether I was a hypocrite trying to make her feel good about herself and give her a lift up to erase some of her sadness or maybe I should have just criticized her and blamed her for her misery. Unfortunately there is no light by the end of her tunnel. It's quite sad to see people getting filtered out every term from the program. It became like a race, at the beginning of every new term you become eager to see who made it through and who was whipped out.

I will definitely write a detailed blog entry about my friend's story.

Awaiting That Light By The End of Tunnel!

There is a price for everything... Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right decision or was I too selfish wanting everything in my life to go the way I want it to go?!

Either way someone will always be disatisfied...so I chose to sacrifice my marriage for the moment, and it really breaks my heart and I feel like crying blood at this moment because I know I am selfish. I am becoming numb to the world, and to everything around me...I just want this freaking dream, which is a nightmare for me now, to be done. I am physically, emotionally, and psychologically beaten to the bottom... I want my normal life back so badly. I know it's just a matter of time..but I am becoming impatient and stress is eating me up so fast.

I impatiently waiting to see the light by the end of this ugly dark tunnel...

Dying Consciously

I looked at the mirror this morning and I almost wanted to cry ... My face was sick pale, my skin looked dry, and my eye-lids were half-closed (literally ptosis as if I had Horner's Syndrome)...slight fever, with nothing in the stomach but Soda (my natural amphetamine) for literally the past 3 days...what did I get myself into? I was very nauseous and about to vomit..my whole body started failing me when I needed it the most...I needed strength and I needed confidence to get myself up and go on with the day..as I was stepping out of the house, my heart couldn't stop beating...I couldn't control my body...I just couldn't.

Although I love the challenge but sometimes I just want to say F**** it I am done with this, I want my normal life back.

....but I am trying to survive....I just hope my body doesn't fail me for the last week of this term.

Evil in The Heart

It was a joy to finally meet a Moroccan in my medical school program & also have her in my class. I must admit that this is the first time I have ever encountered a Moroccan in my field of studies let alone any school I have been to. A naive person would think a strong bonding will be formed between us but to my shocking experience I got nothing but bitter competition based on jealousy and big mouth watery with gossips. She is a quite unique package that contains a great deal of misrepresentations of Moroccan culture and islamic religion. However, I must admit that she still has one little thing inside her that make her a proud Moroccan---her Fassi heritage. Since day one, the so called- Fassi American dissected my last name to figure out exactly where I am coming from with the help of her mother who too was eager and curious to trace my ancestry, and road-map to where my family lives exactly back home. I am not sure if they succeeded in their hard work study-case of mine though!

My fassi-American (Moroccan born but pretends to not speak much darija because she migrated to the US at a young age, even though I have heard her speaking it on a several occasions while she was on the phone with her mother) perceives me as a little nomade and by that I mean a true nomade . She is constanly criticizing the way I dress up even though I don't see it any different from her or style or the rest of our colleagues as we all wear same uniforms but her watery mouth has to throw a comment here and there all the time to make me feel I am somehow lesser than her. If I, little nomade, got dressed up for any occasion or get-together, the fassi-American finds it quite shocking to her little brain to believe that I have something called "clothes" to wear and I am not some little nomade her brain portrayed me in her mind. Good or bad, I am always criticized in a way, that I over-dress up for an occasion if I am wearing something nice or I am just not taking care of myself if my face looks swelling during exams season. Needless to mention the torture she gets me to endure when she makes me sit and listen to her family stories (the rich uncle who owns half of Morocco, and the rich aunt who built the first orphanage in Casablanca, or her asshole non-Moroccan husband who is making her life miserable)...It's beyond my little brain that starts swelling quickly as soon as I start listening to her family's autobiography.

So I take my distance, and I isolate myself from her suffocating environment and I find peace in my little horizon..