Awaiting That Light By The End of Tunnel!

There is a price for everything... Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right decision or was I too selfish wanting everything in my life to go the way I want it to go?!

Either way someone will always be disatisfied...so I chose to sacrifice my marriage for the moment, and it really breaks my heart and I feel like crying blood at this moment because I know I am selfish. I am becoming numb to the world, and to everything around me...I just want this freaking dream, which is a nightmare for me now, to be done. I am physically, emotionally, and psychologically beaten to the bottom... I want my normal life back so badly. I know it's just a matter of time..but I am becoming impatient and stress is eating me up so fast.

I impatiently waiting to see the light by the end of this ugly dark tunnel...

Dying Consciously

I looked at the mirror this morning and I almost wanted to cry ... My face was sick pale, my skin looked dry, and my eye-lids were half-closed (literally ptosis as if I had Horner's Syndrome)...slight fever, with nothing in the stomach but Soda (my natural amphetamine) for literally the past 3 days...what did I get myself into? I was very nauseous and about to vomit..my whole body started failing me when I needed it the most...I needed strength and I needed confidence to get myself up and go on with the day..as I was stepping out of the house, my heart couldn't stop beating...I couldn't control my body...I just couldn't.

Although I love the challenge but sometimes I just want to say F**** it I am done with this, I want my normal life back.

....but I am trying to survive....I just hope my body doesn't fail me for the last week of this term.

Evil in The Heart

It was a joy to finally meet a Moroccan in my medical school program & also have her in my class. I must admit that this is the first time I have ever encountered a Moroccan in my field of studies let alone any school I have been to. A naive person would think a strong bonding will be formed between us but to my shocking experience I got nothing but bitter competition based on jealousy and big mouth watery with gossips. She is a quite unique package that contains a great deal of misrepresentations of Moroccan culture and islamic religion. However, I must admit that she still has one little thing inside her that make her a proud Moroccan---her Fassi heritage. Since day one, the so called- Fassi American dissected my last name to figure out exactly where I am coming from with the help of her mother who too was eager and curious to trace my ancestry, and road-map to where my family lives exactly back home. I am not sure if they succeeded in their hard work study-case of mine though!

My fassi-American (Moroccan born but pretends to not speak much darija because she migrated to the US at a young age, even though I have heard her speaking it on a several occasions while she was on the phone with her mother) perceives me as a little nomade and by that I mean a true nomade . She is constanly criticizing the way I dress up even though I don't see it any different from her or style or the rest of our colleagues as we all wear same uniforms but her watery mouth has to throw a comment here and there all the time to make me feel I am somehow lesser than her. If I, little nomade, got dressed up for any occasion or get-together, the fassi-American finds it quite shocking to her little brain to believe that I have something called "clothes" to wear and I am not some little nomade her brain portrayed me in her mind. Good or bad, I am always criticized in a way, that I over-dress up for an occasion if I am wearing something nice or I am just not taking care of myself if my face looks swelling during exams season. Needless to mention the torture she gets me to endure when she makes me sit and listen to her family stories (the rich uncle who owns half of Morocco, and the rich aunt who built the first orphanage in Casablanca, or her asshole non-Moroccan husband who is making her life miserable)...It's beyond my little brain that starts swelling quickly as soon as I start listening to her family's autobiography.

So I take my distance, and I isolate myself from her suffocating environment and I find peace in my little horizon..

Junky Learning How To Take Care of Others' Health!

I was pondering in my thoughts today about how my life had became after starting my medical school and really I am quite shocked how unhealthy of a person I became. My daily stress has turned me into a junky person--who basically eats anything that is junky without sparing it a second of thought. My mother calls me every weekend to check on me and of course review my diet (mommy is a nutristionist freak) and spare me couple of advises on how to manage my stress (which never sink in)...but really, is there time for it?? Oh...Let alone my appearance-- I used to be one of those high maintenance girls, who will have to apply 100 layers of creams and make sure my make-up is well done before getting out of the house...but now I am so lucky if I get to comb my hair once a week! I am not even joking!!! Eye liner are applied in case I get puffy droopy looking eyes after longs hrs of studying and sticking my eyes to a computer that is by my side literally 24 hrs a day and has never been shut down since it got turned on during first day of class.


Oh well, just a random thought at a random time of my life-- an excuse to blog to run away from my studying :( Totally bad!!! Bad me!!!

A Post From Moroccooooo

Ahhhhhhhhh no bills to worry about, no morning traffic, no school, no waking up early, ohhh just no stress....I haven't enjoyed Morocco as much as I am enjoying it now. The first second I landed in Rabat airport is the very same second I felt my brain cells getting wider and wider embracing Morocco's freedom. This visit unlike my previous one to Morocco is somehow very unique and special for several reasons. The main one is taking a BREAK from school's deadlines and hectic lifestyle as well as celebrating and enjoying the happiest moments of my life with all my reunited (finally, a long deep sigh) family members in our home country, Morocco.

Tazmamart, A Story of Horror

I watched each and every episode of “Shahid Ala Asr” on Aljazeera channel featuring Ahmed El Marzouki’s, (former political prisoner) testimony of the horrendous 18 years of his imprisonment in Tazmamart prison along another 57 military prisoners, from which 28 only emerged alive…and quite frankly I cannot find the right words to express the mixed feelings I grew inside me while watching and living each and every moment Ahmed El Marzouki was describing about their life and struggle inside the cell.

El Marzouki’s descriptions were highly detailed and extremely vivid to enable us visualizing the brutal life of “cave men” as he calls it in a forgotten deserted that lasted a period of 18 years. It’s extremely hard for me to process it all in my head. It’s just hard for me to believe that such brutality took place on the ground of a country I dearly loved and believed in with every fiber in my heart. No…sorry let me reword it, what’s harder for me is to believe that some people hide beasts inside them that know nothing about humanity.

The 58 political prisoners had no major contributions to the planning of the attempted coups against the king of Morocco, Hassan II. They were following orders and had no preconceived idea they were ordered to attack the king. Even though some of them were sentenced for 5 years only, Hassan II sent them in Tazmamart prison, a prison built specially for them lacking basic means of survival to teach a lesson they never forget.

I highly salute Ahmed Mansur for stepping out to interview former prisoners of Tazmamart and both Ahmed El Marzouki and Pilot Saleh Rachad for their courage to share bitter injustice that took place in now demolished Tazmamart prison.










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Expecting A Baby!!

Few months ago, it was so easy to call friends and hang out with them whenever we are free from school/ work. It wasn't a big deal to find time. On saturdays morning, we would go to the mall...on the evening, we'll go to off the hookah, or just walk by the beach. We used to do all crazy stuff to entertain each other and man it was a lot of fun. Even though 50% of the girls were married and the other 50% were not, it was never a problem for us to make time for our hang outs. Well, things have changed now... We no longer live in the same place and we hardly keep in touch with text messages, phones calls, or mostly facebooks messages...and my god...most of the girls are married and the majority are expecting already!!!

As I was reading our group messages today about how much we miss each other and how we should get together inshallah...in the back of mind I was saying" y'all sure, we can meet and hang out again, without having to worry about breastfeeding, or changing diapers, or god knows what?!" I don't know how to describe the feeling, but it feels a bit weird to live these changes in my social life. Now, it's all about kids, and it's no longer about single hang outs!

Another thing I noticed, which I found quite troubling is that every time someone gets pregrant, she'll start preaching about how nice to be a mother and how married girls should hurry up to get pregnant too so that all our kids get to play together!

I attended a sbou3 party "newborn celebration in Muslim communities) and there were at least 5 women pregnant, and when they all start talking about kids, everybody turns around and ask me the same question " so what are you waiting for? when is your turn coming?" I mean really how inconsiderate they can be to get in people's business. I always believed that this topic is the most sensitive one ever to talk about because really what if the couple was trying really hard to have a baby and things were just slow, or maybe it will never happen or god knows...do they have to elaborate on their plans?!!

I'm Offended

I never realized that I grew up in a bubble filled with empty etiquette and retarded rules until lately.

They say honesty is the best quality; however, when a one speaks out with all honesty, this latter might be taken for arrogance or even worse, ignorance in some cases. And then they say you cannot be too honest and you just have to go with the flow and make people hear what they want to hear to keep honesty under control, which I just think is pure hypocrisy.
I just have hard time being hypocrite to my own blood!!!

Why Don't You Become A Nurse?

Me: oh by the way tomorrow will be my last day at school because of my school and my traveling during summer.
Christina: so what do you for school.
Me: Medical school.
Christina: ohh wow woman, you will be getting a lot of money as a physical assistant.
Me: no it's not physical assistant it's an MD a doctor.
Christina: oh that's long, why don't you go for a nurse.
Me: well believe it or not I did one year of nursing program when I first started college as an undergrad but I ended up switching because my advisor advised me to do normal premedical studies because my chances of getting to medical school might be low because they don't like taking nurses for some reasons.
Christina: Oh I am telling you should go for RN it's two years and you work at the hospital and they might be paying some of medical school for you. You work from morning until 12. and they give you the afternoon free
Me: But I am already in Medical school, I can't waste another two years as downgrade to become a nurse. Besides that I gotta be full time at school.
Christina: Oh do LPN is only 6 weeks and you go to people's house and you take care of them and clean them and they pay 15 dollars an hour.


Well obviously we were not on the same page!!! But it was a very interesting discussion because Christina was convincing to become a Nurse and every time I say no to a certain type of nursing she comes up with a different suggestion. Something was missing.